Objectives · Educaton · Employment · Special Accomplishments
Objectives
Former ettiquette liason to the king of France is seeking a position with upward mobility, new pajamas and an abundance of paid vacations. Please let me know if you can help.
Education
Pismo State University (1990 - 1992)
- Attended all functions pertaining to breakfast meats
- Sat in tub of mayonnaise for several hours without blinking
- Wore freshly laundered underpants to all zoning restriction debates
Monty Sinclaire's School For The Vocationally Challenged (1985 - 1990)
- Successfully mastered cabbage counting
- Strapped toothbrushes to all lab animals and power tools
- Ate many sandwiches
Employment
Ettiquette Liason (Paris, France 2001 - 2004) Assisted king of France in all manisfestations of ettiquette and mannerisms, including the perils of improper pajama storage and the subtle intricacies of a successful strategy for ear wax containment. Often baked bread.
Buttock Imprint Contractor (Moose Jaw, Canada 1998 - 2001) Dipped egg white moistened buttocks into flour and fashioned delightful and festive buttock imprints on kitchen counters and other areas in need of decorative assistance. Developed and implemented well-meaning but unexpectedly catastrophic special pricing structure for the holiday season.
Condiment Technician (Ministry of Condiments, Cleveland, OH 1994 - 1998) Addressed safety issues regarding storage and disposal of condiments. Organized yearly condiment festival. Frequented local establishments and spoke fervently about penguins while wearing only a glistening coat of hollandaise.
Hamster Consultant (White House Lobby, Washington, D.C. 1992 - 1994) Consulted on the legal ramifications of hamster juggling and other issues related to small mammals. Trained hamsters exhibiting exceptional aptitude to make toast and clean gardening equipment.
Special Accomplishments
- Ruled tiny island nation as god/emperor during unprecedented era of economic prosperity last summer vacation.
- Single handedly ate a ten pound canned ham while swimming the English Channel.
- Trimmed toenails without safety goggles or instruction manual consultation.
- Bought pants and a matching shirt.
- Fully understands the dynamics of spoons, and developed a deep respect for fine spoon craftsmanship on September 3, 1981 around 3:00 pm.
- Crafted fully functional time traveling device using only string, pencils and topical ointments.
